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Thursday, November 21, 2019

Jokes & Fun Stuff

 

 

 

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In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible.

For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws: 
- Same-sex Marriage
- Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day
makes perfect biblical sense because .......................
Leviticus 20:13 says: “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”

I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.  There are those who wake up in the morning and say,

"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

 

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:  "I have circled the block 10 times.  If I don't park here, I'll miss my

appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.  "I've circled this block for 10 years.  If I

don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.  Lead us not into temptation."

 

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:  "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets." 
 
 
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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.  Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.  "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay.  It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.  It's the same in my business."

 
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God and the Lawn Care
 

God said: "Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles."

St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.

GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

GOD: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD: And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis